My Salvation, Your Condemnation: First Corinthians

And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of The Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:11

Paul (and soon, we will talk about Paul, in depth) was the writer of this epistle. One of the most eloquently written so there would be no misunderstandings, Paul focuses on Christian liberties, division in the church, and sexual purification.

The Church at Corinth was extremely diverse. The Jews, Gentiles, and pagans all worshiped at Corinth. Perhaps, because of the diversity of the church at Corinth and plain ole human nature, the church was considered to be progressive. New ideas, new questions, concerns, and new philosophies came from Corinth. Paul wrote this epistle in response to an earlier misunderstanding and also addressed the issues he was hearing about. Also, he addressed the issues of members of the Church at Corinth.

Chapter 6 of this book deals with Paul and some of his frustrations with the Corinthians. The most general way to describe the source of Paul’s frustration is to say, overall, the Church of Corinth was taking the concept of grace, entirely too far, and instead of being graceful about the things they did or were doing they used grace as a license to sin. Before he goes into his issue with sexual purity, is the verse I’ve cited above. Right before he said this, he’d given a laundry list of transgressive behaviors. For example, adulterers, fornicators, idolaters, etc. And then, he writes, “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of The Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”

This, to me, is the epitome of what the New Testament is all about. There are a lot of things that people don’t understand about Jesus’ role and the liberties that we are afforded, through Christ. One of the first things we need to, not simply know, but understand is that Jesus Christ died for our sins. He died the death of all deaths so we could be free. He didn’t die so we would be without sin because as humans, that is virtually impossible. And all things are possible but in essence and figuratively and we will see how that still comes to be true as well, at some point. Knowing how vile and disgusting humans could be, He knew that we would never be able to stand before Him. With unconditional love and grace, He delivered to us, His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, a whole human man that could petition for us. He made His Son so much in his likeness that if we want something from God we need to ask for it through his Son, Jesus. Jesus had such an understanding of Man, Nature, Life, and all it beheld that through faith in Christ alone you will be justified. For example:

A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. Romans 3:8

Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1

A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. Galatians 2:16

For by grace are ye saved through faith. Ephesians 2:8

Justify: 1. (a) : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable. [b(1)] : to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2) : to qualify (oneself) as a surety by taking oath to the ownership of sufficient property. 2. (a) : to judge, regard, or treat as righteous and worthy of salvation. (b) : to show a sufficient lawful reason for an act to be done.

As you, yourself, can see, these are the very same lessons and ideas that the Church at Corinth received. Why? It just so happens, Paul wrote each of the epistles I listed. With the exception of the last one, concerning grace, the same thing is being said each time, differently. There is no way Paul didn’t deliver this very same message to the Church at Corinth. As a matter of fact, in this correspondence with the Church at Corinth he seems to open up the idea to convey a clearer message. I notice this in 1 Corinthians 6:12 when he declares, All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be bought under the power of any.

This is the beginning of his stance on grace and how it is to be exercised as the church was using grace as a license to sin. I’ll bet it has something to do with the word justified. When I think of something being justified, just as the definition explains, I believe that you become an exception. Not to be mistaken with excused or an excuse which often leads to failure, justified or a justification is legally binding. Excuses and justifications sound the same. I am doing this because of that. I am feeling this because of that. I saw this instead of that. The deciding factor in each instance is the that. If the that is something personal then 9x out of 10x it’s an excuse. But, if the that is legally binding, if the that can stand up in court in your behalf, or if the that is sanctioned by God through his Son Jesus Christ, then it is a justification; you are justified.

With that said, if you trust and believe that Jesus died for your sins, if you believe that Jesus is the son of God, if you have faith in Christ that he is more than happy to bear your crosses, then guess what? THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE JUSTIFIED. As a member of the LGBTQ community, the community that is often on the outs with biblical literalists and a lot of churches, this scripture should not only warm your heart, but it exposes the folly of a lot of our spiritual leaders and people who discriminate, for out of the same Cannon they use to put us down is this Scripture telling us that we are justified. All it asks is that we have grace about it keeping in mind that grace is not a license to sin.

Here, I’ll leave you with an example of Gods grace:

I haven’t blogged about my relationship in a while, but there have been some changes. We no longer live together. The circumstances were unforeseen and we both had to split up to each of our parents houses. Her parents are from Haiti and they are devout Catholics. Her lifestyle disgusts them. As a matter of fact, her father just started speaking to her after not even looking in her direction for over 4 years. It took a lot of tears and a good tongue lashing from her younger brother to get him to see the pain he was causing. My partner and I don’t think there is anything wrong with our lifestyle, but as grace would have it, when I go to her house, we don’t sit too close on the couch, there aren’t any PDAs, I do not hang in her bedroom, she is not gazing into my eyes like she can, and I am not gazing into hers. It’s like High School and we are each 31. We handle our situation gracefully. This is all this scripture promotes. We are all sinners, all of us in some way, shape, or form are sinning. Though we are and have been justified, we have to be graceful about it.

Believe that your salvation is in this justification that God has gracefully bestowed upon us through his only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ and be free!

The Nerve of Me: You Matter!

Yesterday, I told my mom that I gained a new follower. As usual, I was smiling from ear to ear. When I get a new follower or I check my stats and see that 5 people read my post the day before, or when someone likes what they’ve read, it is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

I have longed to write. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve kept journals all of my life, but I’ve always wanted to do the kind of writing that I could share with others. Also, I wanted a platform, on which to write. But, it really wasn’t that cut and dry. I was about 14 when I first heard about online journals. That was 17 years ago.

I don’t know any writers. I would like to think I am a writer, I act as though I am a writer, but I have far too much respect for authors and I humbly settle for – I have the great potential. However, I truly believe that writing is scary. It terrifies me. Keeping a journal is and has been a walk in the park. Sharing your writing with others, though, is a whole ‘nutha game. For as long as I’ve wanted to write, at 14 you would think I would have started my online journal, now popularly known as a blog. But, the thought alone was too overwhelming. What would I write about? Is that important? Who’s going to read it? Are they going to read it? When it came to writing, at this age, my confidence and strength just wasn’t there.

As an adult, though, your paradigm begins to shift and you grow defenses. Being able to protect your own self is liberating and refreshing and, finally, here I am. And sure, it’s been 17 years, but, allowing others to read what I’ve written has been the greatest challenge. It’s still very challenging. After each post, thus far, the moment I am about to click “Publish” a pang of anxiety signals through my gut.

After she smiled and said, “Oh, wow, that’s good!” She said, “Did you thank them?”

My hands got sweaty because my nerves started itching. I thought about all of the times I’d followed someone and they thanked me in return – how good and connected I felt, how I felt like I mattered, and that my attendance was important to them. I thought about how ridiculously excited I am when I know people are reading, following, and/or liking. And I realized that I hadn’t been playing fair.

Please forgive me! Because, from the bottom of my heart, I am soooooo thankful for readers and followers! And as much as I hate using “sooooo” in my writing, I needed extra emphasis to display just how thankful I am!

A ka-zillion thanks is all I can muster out! Unless of course you all want a book on why this all means so much to me. Trust me, I am sparing you all! But honestly, since I’ve started this blog, you all have been quietly keeping me going. I love to write, so for that alone, you all mean the world to me! Thanks again for following and reading!

My Salvation, Your Condemnation: Sodom and Gomorrah – Part 1

And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them. And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, And said, I pray you brethren, do not so wickedly. Genesis 19:5-7

As Holy as the Bible is, you would think people would want to use it to perpetuate the love, grace, rest, and salvation, offered in and through scripture. However, more than enough people are inclined to use God’s Living Word, to satisfy their own vanity. In giving the benefit of the doubt to those who use the Word for their own personal edifications, some of them really do not know; some genuinely do not understand the power and glory they are abusing when they use Scripture to pass judgement on and/or stigmatize a community, a person, a way of life, even a thing. They also fail to make the connection that in doing so, the very thing they are condemning has a greater chance of being exalted and instead they who condemn will be held accountable for not staying in their lane, as condemnation has been reserved by God as something only He can do.

The Bible, throughout history has been a vehicle for the vane, for the abusers, for the removed, to exert power and control over whatever they see fit. During the Crusades, a holy war, the Bible was used to murder and coerce people into Catholicism. During the Slave Trade, the bible was used to exert power and control over slaves and much crazier, even, the Bible was used as a confirmation to slave owners and traders that they were participating in something Holy and Godly as set forth by Scripture. There are much more instances throughout history of the Bible being used and perverted to satisfy vile and human dysfunctions, but right here today, there is a community that cannot seem to escape the use of Scripture to justify the blatant discrimination and stigmatization they endure – The LGBT Community.

Members of the LGBT Community are no strangers being ostracized for their lifestyle. And, literally, the only leg ostracizers have to stand on is Scripture and their vain perversions, interpretations, and understanding of it. Somehow, someway, the Scripture is connected to the the blatant social and civil inequalities and inequities that exist against members of LGBT, in today’s world. For example, the only real reason people who are against same-sex marriage have is scripturally substantiated: God intended marriage to be between a man and a woman. Sometimes execution of the discrimination that LGBT members face or have faced isn’t as direct. Sometimes it’s downright ignorance. Sometimes the person who hates that someone is gay, lesbian, trans, etc., may only be smart enough to say, “It’s just not right!” They don’t know why it’s not right. Perhaps it was an idle word they’d received. Maybe they themselves are in the closet. Maybe two generations before them, someone allowed what Scriptures warn us against:

Beware, lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. Colossians 2:8

The fact of the matter is, whether it is direct or indirect, Scripture is the umbrella of all discriminatory acts suffered by the LGBT. Colossians 2:8, I’m sure can be cross-referenced dozens of times. The Gospels talk to us about those whom we allow to build on Christ’s foundation, as does a couple of other books in The New Testament. Throughout the bible, false prophets are around and we are charged to recognize them and stay away from their teachings and drama. Talk about the vanity of fools gives way to lessons about whom we follow. Without a degree, socially accepted credentials, or any formal theological training, I am confused about the confusion and debate, as a matter of fact, I am confused as to why a debate even exists. Indeed, an avid reader of Scripture, I am dumb-struck at the behavior rampant in the world. I am often left wondering, “What Bible are they reading,” or, “What Bible have they read”, thinking surely it isn’t the one I am familiar with or any of it’s contemporary translations.

My Salvation, Your Condemnation will be a series of essays dedicated to exposing the supposed contradictions of Scripture. And when I say supposed, that is exactly what I mean because if you ask me, there isn’t one contradiction to be found. However, I am sensitive to the fact that in all actuality, Scripture seems to contradict itself. I am here to show you that the contradictions don’t lie in actual Scripture, but in the understander, the interpreter, the reader. The contradictions lie in society, they lie in vanity, and the madness of human nature. Contradictions find places to grow in the retina of the untrained eye and festers in the heart.

Using Scripture, personal experiences, love and understanding, I pray to show the LGBTQ, a community to which I belong, that we are, can, and will be blessed. That there is a great salvation, for us, to be had. We are afforded the liberties offered through Christ. I do not know what I will write next, but to begin, I will with the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. This story, parable, even, is the main story that fuels the fire of people who are against people who are in the life.

“You shouldn’t be gay, don’t you know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?” “Yes, I do know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, but what does it have to do with me being gay?”

Me and HIM and the Smirk that Started it All (Part 2)

“The Bible?! You have got to be kidding me, dad! The Bible?”

Did he say the bible?

Considering every jewel he dropped leading up, to this moment, I couldn’t believe the Bible was his answer!

My dad … sure, he had a heart, but it seemed it was hidden under a lot of complexes. People were afraid of him, they tip-toed around him, he had no qualms about calling someone stupid or dumb, he demanded respect, he was harsh, abrasive, and it wasn’t uncommon to hear someone say, “Oh, that’s your dad? He seems mean!” It was hard for me to believe he even read the Bible. To learn, not only did he and does he read the Bible, it was the reason for his brilliance, blew my mind with intimidation. However, as intimidating as the Bible was, I was and still am deathly motivated by my need to be some kind of smart. Finding out and knowing is one of my highest priorities in life.

“… But Dad? I don’t even know where to begin. Where should I start?” Just the thought was scary and overwhelming. For goodness sake, I was in no position to start reading the Bible! I live an alternative lifestyle, I abuse marijuana, I wasn’t working, instead I was hustling, didn’t feel worthy enough to go to church, I was actually so removed, I wasn’t even sure what church I would go to and I wasn’t being bad, but I knew, I wasn’t being good. I still had the idea that before I could come to Christ, I had to get my life right.

He suggested that I start with Proverbs. It took a few weeks as I continued to wrap my head around the idea that every genius thing my dad said was somehow connected to Scripture. As those weeks passed, the knowledge he imparted continued to peak my interest. About a week before I began reading, a distant friend of the family stopped by the apartment and left me with a brand new Bible. I had been telling him that I was about to start reading the Bible for all of the aforementioned reasons. He reached in his bag and pulled out a fresh Bible that an old lady give him on his way to visit. His family had more than enough Bibles and if I would use it, I could have it.

The day I picked it up, the burdens I had been hearing about my entire life, the burdens that they say is lifted when you believe and trust Christ, a few were lifted. I didn’t even know I had burdens. Sure, I was under a lot of stress and pressure. My internal environment wasn’t at its best because I wasn’t living up to my fullest potential in the least bit. I wasn’t happy with my circumstances, but they weren’t terrible either. Eventually, I would learn that my ability to make the best out of things, my positive spirit and optimism was HIM all along, without me even knowing. Oh and best of all, I had grace! I didn’t know that either.

The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense. -Prov. 10:21

There were worldly ideas that I had already developed that I couldn’t articulate. There were things that I saw and didn’t understand. For example, being Black and that relationship with Christ. America and everything it seemed to stand for and it’s relationship with Christ. Different cultures and their relationship with Christ. Society and it’s structure posed a lot of questions, as did relationships. Most of all, Love was a 1500-piece jigsaw puzzle.

I knew a couple of things about Jesus and God. My aunt and grandmother used to take me to church as a child. I was in Sunday school. I went to Catholic school for 7th and 8th grades. I wasn’t completely ignorant but, there was something that wasn’t right. I remembered hearing somebody say that Freud, the very Sigmund Freud had his doubts too and decided that whether or not he believed, he would live as though there was a God, just in case He really was real, he’d save him self from hell. I adopted that idea to protect myself while I figured out what Christ was all about, for myself. I was extremely confused about the Christian umbrella. If everyone reads from the same Kings James Bible, then why are there so many different Christian denominations. Honestly, the number of denominations isn’t the issue, it’s the fact that each one believes they have the answer or the way to salvation over the other denominations. Each denomination believes they have the inside scoop as to what gets you to heaven because they seek to convert you. Every member of one Christian denomination sentences to a member of another Christian denomination always seem to begin persuasively with, “Well, we believe ….” That still bothers me and it’s always been my biggest issue. It wasn’t until I began to read for myself that I began to appreciate things in a different kind of way.

The great book of Proverbs changed my life. Then Proverbs was complimented by Ecclesiastes and I was a little bit more powerful. Genesis came through giving me a whole new lease on life and what it was all about. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, made me WWJD, from the bottom of my heart and Acts of the Apostles and the introduction of Paul confirmed a whole lot of things for me. Galatians opened my eyes, Corinthians and Ephesians made me feel safe. Esther gave a lot …. The list goes on. Each book of Scripture answered all kinds of questions, gave me insight, pushed me to use my emotions to their fullest potential, among other valuable tools to live the good life.

What are your experiences reading the Bible? What is your favorite Book? Do you have a particular passage that you love?

Me and HIM and The Smirk that Started it All (Part 1)

So, my dad was out of my life for well over a decade. When I was about 25, I bumped into him, on the humble one day, visiting my grandmother. Yes, I know … Sounds a little dysfunctional, right? … bumping into my dad on the humble … but as this blog progresses, my personal story will manifest itself. Things weren’t bad for me at the time, in my head, but, if my memory serves me correctly, I had been displaced for almost 2 years. A very humbling experience, I must say! At any rate, after catching up for hours, he said, “Go to this address and knock on the door, some people will be waiting to meet you, I’m not even going to call!” He smirked his smirk that became so symbolic. Turns out, he had really good secrets, but they weren’t really secrets people just think that they are or thought that they were – his reason for always smirking.

One project building sat on a corner in New York City’s East Village. That’s where the apartment was. A real project building, right in the middle of where residents are paying more than a thousand dollars for their studio, where people own condos and lofts, where tour buses host tourists, where people come to party, where Law & Order shoots, and where celebrities wander after shopping in Soho, only 4 blocks away.

When I knocked on the door, someone looked through the peephole, but they didn’t open the door. Instead, they came back and looked again. A moment later, I heard them slide the chain-lock. Quietly, they unlocked the top lock, and the last the little bottom lock, which was a simple little click. It was very, very dramatic and I was a nerve wreck. The drama unfolds as the door slowly creaked open to reveal three star-struck teens. My step-brother and two step-sisters.

“Oh my god,” the boy breathed giving us everything … He bent his knees, he had his hand over his mouth, his eyebrows were raised. When I say everything, he gave it all. With a tear in his eye, he looked me dead on, the girls were statued, and he said, “It’s you. You’re his daughter!” Still giving, he turned to his sisters and said, “It’s BruShonna.” Why couldn’t there have been a camera man? He grabbed me first, but they all, thirstily, buried themselves wherever they could, fit. I still hadn’t said a word, but I was crying. I had no clue who these teens were, but I loved them instantly, and when I say they loved me, I just had to figure out what was the situation.

Turns out, my dad raised them. They were his girlfriends children, but they honored him like he was the man! In that house, my dad was like the king … sure, they tried to over throw him a couple of times, as did I, but he always came out on top. I hung around till the next morning, then again till the next morning, then again and again, and next thing you know, I’m on my way out for coffee and he says, “You know ‘Little One’, seems like you always been here.” I just smiled really hard. Six months had flown by and I was having the time of my life.

My dad was a different kind of smart. His smartness was so smart, he would say something or respond to something and it would leave you stuck on stupid for up to 17 seconds while your brain processes and registers what he meant. Meanwhile, he’d be sitting there with that smirk, watching through you as if he was watching your brain trying to figure itself out because the moment it does, the moment all of the wheels start moving in the direction of his riddle, he’d let out a boisterous laugh! Laughing from the gut, it take him forever to choke out this one sentence, “Hey! Hey! Hey ‘Little One’!” By now he’d be dying with laughter, “I didn’t write that!” He had some kind of inside joke with himself, that tickled him silly. I could still hear him laughing at me, laughing at his girlfriend and her kids, his friends, everyone, he would get this joke off on. “I didn’t, I didn’t write that!” Laughing so hard, sometimes a tear would drop.

One day, we were debating back and forth. I was getting tired of him laughing at me, talking in riddles, always having these really genius answers but claiming he got them from somewhere else. The smirk, I was sick of it! If he got all of these mind-blowing “jewels” from another source, refined enough to smirk confidently, then I knew it was obtainable for me too. I wanted a smirk, so I could do to others what he has done to me. When I saw the smirk starting to build, I felt my blood begin to boil. A year and some change later, he was still on top using references from an unnamed source. “Hey ‘Little One’! Hey, I didn’t write that!” I’d had enough!

“Well who’s writing this stuff then Daddy?!” I was being very demanding and serious, but the seriousness of it was overshadowed by me no longer believing he had a secret source of knowledge. “Did one person write this? Or is this just a collaboration of things that you have read? Where do you get these ideas from, Daddy?!”

“The Bible.”

The Degradation – Part 1

“When the special feeling is gone, it’s over.” She didn’t get it. I could tell by her response. “For you, maybe.” I laughed, but she wasn’t playing. “Babe? Your special feeling is gone! It is over for you!” She looked very confused, so I said, “Oh, I’m just supposed to sit around my girlfriend who doesn’t have the special feeling for me? I can feel it!” Then with a tisk and a disgusted look on my face I finished with, “I can’t live like that!”

Seriously, y’all, I can’t! I could understand if I was some kind of dog that has been dogging her out for the 3 years we’ve been together, but the mistakes that I am being charged with would have only helped us, not hurt us. Her first defense is probably her best defense: “I told you in the beginning that I might need some more time.” This idea, I have a hard time getting around, but, at the end of the day, I do. I knew she was in an effed up situation when we met. She’d been taken advantage of by an older woman who preyed on women like her. My respect for the fact that she didn’t have a moment to herself is a huge part of the reason I am as complacent as I have been with her. It’s why I haven’t built any friendships outside of the people I work with. It’s why I’ve always tried to listen and communicate with her as effectively as I could no matter how dumb the issue was that she was flipping, and I mean flipping, out about. Every waking moment, I’ve showed her that she has nothing to worry about with me loving her. She could confidently go out into the world knowing that I am completely smitten by her and only her.

Today I found out that it was me getting a second job that was the beginning of our breakdown. I shouldn’t have taken time away from our relationship. I remember the breakdown being the second job, but not how she remembers it. Her story is that we didn’t need the money and I was trying to match her income. My story is, when I got the second job, even though I explained the strain it was going to put on our relationship, that we were going to come out on top. The second job fulfilled a lot of things for me personally and that alone does wonders for a relationship, but when you add in the extra income …. We were planning on going back to school and I really wanted us to have a cushion because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to work as much and if I or we didn’t want to work too hard, we wouldn’t have to. All I wanted for us was a cushion so we could really be on the road to being the power couple I saw us being … All of the elements were there. However, I wound up leaving that year with a lot of resentments. The weekends were the only time I had to really sleep good. Before I got the lap top and her addiction to Facebook began drilling the relationship into the ground, I’d wake up to tension. How could I fall asleep knowing this was the only time we had to spend with one another? Maybe because when I come home I have to go to the store, get our food and our weed. And if that isn’t enough, we have to take turns rolling. I just imagined who cares about one year of working hard for our future if we together are in it for the long haul? She never got it. This actually goes right into the next part of how she has managed to not take responsibility for the degradation of this relationship as I like to call it.

So one day, while at work, I told her on my break that I needed to talk to her. I explained to her that I needed a little more support, because the schedule I work is straining. Everyday, for 7 days, I was up at 3:50am and with the exception of the weekend, I wouldn’t get home until 8. The weekends she was off and everyday she got home before me, why would she want to watch me come home and do anything? She would always talk to me about some people and what they do in relationships, but there is no way that someone comes home and waits for the other person to come home so they can do house stuff and prepare the evening and the person’s physical work day is longer. She worked a 9-5, 5 days a week. I worked 5am-7:30pm, Mon-Fri and the weekends I worked 5:30a-2p. It was at this moment, I’m about 4 months into the 2nd job, she tells me she needs romance. I should have seen what I was dealing with then!

First Review: 50 Shades of Grey

 

I heard about it months ago on the 10 o’clock news. Shortly after, Dr. Oz dedicated an entire segment of his show to it. Women, from all walks of life, had been changed, along with the dynamics of the intimate relationships they were in by it. The whispers and blatant posts of people I personally knew and interacted with. And one day, she turned to me and said, “We need that book!” If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know first hand that there is something we need. Sure, the idea that a book is going to bring us out of the phase that we are in at the moment is hilarious, but, at that moment, all we knew was we loved each other and anything someone said might work, we were both willing to try.

Her on her kindle app and me on mine, we each downloaded the first installment of the trilogy. This book was rekindling flames and sparking sparks in people and relationships that dried up years ago. As a matter of fact, just the other day, one of my childhood friends posts on FB read, “After reading the Fifty Shades of Grey books, my shopping list includes handcuffs, blindfolds, a whip, and some wine …” About a week later, I heard particular “toys” were flying off the rack and the increase in sales in certain departments reflected that and experts believed it was because of the book. By this time, though, I’d already finished the first and the majority of the second parts of the story, realizing that I too had been moved – I wanted a submissive of my own, that would come and visit my girlfriend and I on the weekends. The most amazing part of that idea, though is the confidence I have knowing I would know exactly what to do with her.

Reading this book has been extremely pleasurable. Pleasurable is no surprise, either. The content of the book is erotic; the book falls into the erotica section of book stores. But, besides the content and nature of the book, the book itself and how plots and characters came to fruition, how the author manipulated every literary tool at his disposal to introduce Christian’s sexually deviant lifestyle and accompanying behaviors, expectations, and the deep rooted issues that perpetuated the mercurial antagonist of the book. I really appreciated being turned into Anastasia each time I turned the page. He exposed her to a life she couldn’t wrap her head around, but then again she could at the same time. She, just like the majority of readers had never been exposed to the contents of the book, but just like Anastasia who is described by Christian Grey as always ready and very curious each reader thirstily continues to turn the page.

The reader, just like Christian’s Ana finds themselves exhilarated. This is a mesmerizing story, although, it wouldn’t be if it weren’t for the authors presentation and style. Thanks to the authors genius, we can find a lot of ourselves, to our damned surprise, in each lover. No matter how much I could tangibly imagine adopting some of Christian’s style to make my own, at the end of the day, I, and the majority of other readers are the author’s Anastasia. The longing the book insights is complimented by the author and how it’s fed to us. And if by chance the longing that is felt isn’t to find and Anastasia or be a Christian Grey, I can guarantee you will long to experience the chemistry and energy shared between the two which gets a lot of respect!

If you haven’t picked up 50 Shades of Grey, you haven’t lived. If you can’t appreciate the content, you could find joy in how the author commands the attention and physical emotions of the reader. If the content is too steamy, use it as a tool to educate yourself on different ways of life. Also, it doesn’t hurt to know – while it falls in the erotica section of the book store, this is an amazing love story. The next post is going to discuss the actual book, so don’t divulge too much information, but how did this book make you feel? Did it do anything for you?

Eff that B: The Negativity is Packing

My most recent Facebook post reads: Things for me are about to get a whole lot better! I am removing the negativity that’s been making me sick for the past 4-5 months. The negativity is packing as I post.

Thirty-two minutes ago, I verbalized the change that is about to take place. Is this easy? No! Will the next couple of weeks feel foreign? Most definitely. Does the unfamiliar feeling of being alone promise to take its toll on me? Without a doubt! But, what gives a move power is the amount of effort that has to be or is put into making it powerful; hence the term, power move.

This morning, at the diner, over breakfast my head pulled me into itself, while sitting across from her. Despite how beautiful she is, the sight of her and our closeness in proximity made my skin crawl with resentment, disappointment, and downright disgust. I found myself wondering why she hasn’t spoken to this mysterious friend that she speaks to every single weekend for hours at a time and little by little, my stomach found its way into the game. Finally, I have a weekend off and they have yet to speak. She doesn’t and hasn’t for the entire time they’ve been friends spoken to her when I am home. When I am at work, the only place I go, they can’t seem to get enough of one another. This has been going on for at least 4 months.

“You know, if there are things that you can’t do while I am around, then what is the point?” As usual, she has no idea what I am talking about. “You know, your friend. Y’all haven’t spoken yet, today. I mean every single weekend, you guys are on the phone for hours. What is she busy today?” She stopped looking at me and this was her response, “I guess so,” with a half mumble half whisper.

I beckoned the server for the check, I paid and tipped her nicely because I’d been short and brisk with her the whole time there. I grabbed my iPad and my headphones and as briskly as I’d treated the server, I briskly walked out of the establishment leaving a delicious and full plate of breakfast on the table. I had no appetite. She continued, nonchalantly, with the careful arrangement of her doggie bag.

When I got home, I kindly separated our laundry. When she got in, she quietly followed suit, separating our belongings in the bedroom. She lost that special feeling for me a long time ago, but, because I am strong and have respect, because I understand, my special feeling remained in tack, along with my help and attributes and capacity to love deeply. My special feeling has been chipped at over the past year and even though, I’ve been working diligently and over-time to keep those precious feelings that I develop for the women I make love to and have a relationship with, today that feeling is gone.

Our home made a powerful transition. Everything is physically divided with the same measure of division that I’ve been feeling for close to half a year. Now the division is in our face. All she needs is a truck and our home will be my home and my life with her will be done. What a transition to bear for the lover, Me! But, aside from feeling sick to my stomach, I get to walk away blameless, doing bad for my own self as the saying goes. I know, for me, things will get better. I am fine with knowing that they may, more than likely they will get worse before that. I know distraction is the key to a relationship, so I’m making plans for this evening. I want to go to the next level on my gauges and then I want to drink and party. Do you have any advice? For 3 years I’ve been securing her and haven’t built so much as a friend here in this city … My post, The Motions may give you an understanding of how I am feeling ….

Two Screwdrivers

I’m not sure how long I was napping, but when I woke up, it was a little after 10pm. My girlfriend, she was showered, a blunt was rolled and she was quiet. Me? I was disoriented and still in my uniform. My eyes burned as I peeled off my uniform and got in bed, but her quietness made me uneasy, so my brain began to come to life.

We smoked and watched the news. Despite the tension, I still wanted to reach out and touch her, but each time I did, she didn’t respond. I might as well had a mannequin in bed with me. Eventually, I turned around, my back towards her for easy access to the ashtray and my Arizona Sweet Iced Tea. She kept her space, didn’t touch me or offer a kiss goodnight, and went to sleep.

In the middle of the week, I told her how miserable my position in this relationship was becoming.

Not so much as a soft look or a touch in bed was a reminder of how far we’ve come from the days we were both insatiable and couldn’t get enough of each other. After a while, she was probably in her 3rd dream, I turned back around facing her and I noticed something lit on her side of the bed. When I looked she was charging the Ledo and her phone was out and exposed right next to it. I knew she must be tired because I haven’t seen her and her phone that vulnerable in close to a year.

As much as I thought about going through her phone, I decided to grab the Ledo. I quietly rubbed one out and got up. I got dressed and went to the neighborhood bar.

I had 2 Screwdrivers with my vodka of choice, Kettle One. The usual bartender was there, but I was served by a guy I’d never seen before. I was happy the usual bartender was there, for she could vouch I was in there alone, minding my business watching the flat screen tvs.

When I got back, despite all of the noise I’d made leaving and all of the noise I made coming in, she slept on. I got undressed, I rolled another blunt, and I got in bed. I smoked and thought, my 2 favorite pastimes. I decided that I am getting out from now on whenever I have an opportunity. This “girlfriend” makes me sick and disappointed and I’m sure we are merely biding our time.