Not Even a Little Domestic Violence

Yes, yes …. I am prepared. For all of the backlash that may come with this post, I am prepared.

Yesterday morning, I was watching Good Day Philadelphia and they dedicated a segment to discuss Rihanna’s interview, which aired the night before, with one of the most influential women in the world, Oprah Winfrey.

Outside of Rihanna’s dress looking like the Arizona Green Tea, she looked like a doll. Dubbed “the essence of F*ck” Rihanna looked calm and composed and came across as a sweet Carribian girl who’d been humbled by a new world of unexpected fame and fortune.

With Oprah being who she is and has been, there was no doubt that, the violent situation that erupted between Rihanna and her then boyfriend Chris Brown was going to be up for discussion. When the time came, Oprah had Rihanna in tears as she admitted, “I think he was the love of my life.” The tears continued to flow as she went on, “I’m not at peace if he is not happy or he’s still lonely.”

This doesn’t surprise or shock me at all. However, it did shock journalist Jenice Armstrong of the Philadelphia Daily News and she discusses her feelings in her article, “Rihanna Still Loves Chris Brown? Why?” After recapping the interview between Rihanna and Chris, Armstrong brings up Evelyn, a member of the Basketball Wives reality show because she was just recently head-butted by her newly-wed husband, a football player, Chad Ocho Cinco. Evelyn immediately filed for divorce and Armstrong has a new found respect for her, after witnessing Rihanna still pining over Brown. Because Rihanna’s behavior, to Armstrong, is so confusing and in order to substantiate the confusion that she is writing about, she reaches out to a friend who’d been abused for over a decade and published a memoirs detailing the struggle she endured. The friend paints Rihanna’s feelings for Chris to be common, even speculating, “She probably still thinks that some of it was her fault.”

She paints Rihanna as a woman showing the normal behaviors of Domestic Violence Syndrome. There is nothing wrong with this picture, but honestly, I believe they should have never broken up. There was just something about Rihanna and Chris. And if you didn’t know it then, only a fool couldn’t notice they were sick without one another. Every other day for about 3 years, Rihanna rock-starred it out with money, sex, and drugs:

Poor Chris Brown, his music said it all. But his music wasn’t the thing that let me know he was dying a slow death without Rihanna, it was when he went blonde.

According to the article, there were other acts of domestic violence during their time together. I absolutely do not condone domestic violence, but I do love love. So does Kevin Hart, one of the most popular and successful black comedians today. Check out one of my favorite parts of one of his acts, “I’m a Grown Ass Little Man!”

Kevin Hart on Domestic Violence

Seriously! The first thing I must say is their relationship, that relationship, was over 4 years ago. I feel like the public should let it go and stop being hateful or judgmental. There is no denying that the two love each other no matter how dysfunctional it may have been. And may I stress “may have been”, because that relationship was over, over 4 years ago. If he got help or he didn’t or even the reality of loosing her and then having to witness her with other men for years could have been the wake up call. What if Rihanna learned to love herself more and didn’t need a man putting his hands on her or acting aggressive so she could feel cared for and protected, so she wouldn’t provoke him, going forward? She is from the Caribbean – they are spicy and aggressive. What of she slapped the holy mess out of him and he’d been taught in the same fashion as my little brother – “If she hits you, hit her back?” I think it was very unfair what happened to their love and I think it is very thirsty of the media to continue to keep them apart. Are you saying, Ms. Armstrong, once an abuser always an abuser? I thought people grew up, they were awfully young. Why can’t they get the benefit of the doubt? Why can’t they get the support they need to be healthier. Anyone who would deny that there is a chemistry between them is hating because they have yet to recognize the true power of love!

Because so much time has elapsed between then and now and each before our eyes continues to blossom and grow, I really believe with support, they deserve a second shot at sharing the love they share, together.

The Degradation – Part 1

“When the special feeling is gone, it’s over.” She didn’t get it. I could tell by her response. “For you, maybe.” I laughed, but she wasn’t playing. “Babe? Your special feeling is gone! It is over for you!” She looked very confused, so I said, “Oh, I’m just supposed to sit around my girlfriend who doesn’t have the special feeling for me? I can feel it!” Then with a tisk and a disgusted look on my face I finished with, “I can’t live like that!”

Seriously, y’all, I can’t! I could understand if I was some kind of dog that has been dogging her out for the 3 years we’ve been together, but the mistakes that I am being charged with would have only helped us, not hurt us. Her first defense is probably her best defense: “I told you in the beginning that I might need some more time.” This idea, I have a hard time getting around, but, at the end of the day, I do. I knew she was in an effed up situation when we met. She’d been taken advantage of by an older woman who preyed on women like her. My respect for the fact that she didn’t have a moment to herself is a huge part of the reason I am as complacent as I have been with her. It’s why I haven’t built any friendships outside of the people I work with. It’s why I’ve always tried to listen and communicate with her as effectively as I could no matter how dumb the issue was that she was flipping, and I mean flipping, out about. Every waking moment, I’ve showed her that she has nothing to worry about with me loving her. She could confidently go out into the world knowing that I am completely smitten by her and only her.

Today I found out that it was me getting a second job that was the beginning of our breakdown. I shouldn’t have taken time away from our relationship. I remember the breakdown being the second job, but not how she remembers it. Her story is that we didn’t need the money and I was trying to match her income. My story is, when I got the second job, even though I explained the strain it was going to put on our relationship, that we were going to come out on top. The second job fulfilled a lot of things for me personally and that alone does wonders for a relationship, but when you add in the extra income …. We were planning on going back to school and I really wanted us to have a cushion because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to work as much and if I or we didn’t want to work too hard, we wouldn’t have to. All I wanted for us was a cushion so we could really be on the road to being the power couple I saw us being … All of the elements were there. However, I wound up leaving that year with a lot of resentments. The weekends were the only time I had to really sleep good. Before I got the lap top and her addiction to Facebook began drilling the relationship into the ground, I’d wake up to tension. How could I fall asleep knowing this was the only time we had to spend with one another? Maybe because when I come home I have to go to the store, get our food and our weed. And if that isn’t enough, we have to take turns rolling. I just imagined who cares about one year of working hard for our future if we together are in it for the long haul? She never got it. This actually goes right into the next part of how she has managed to not take responsibility for the degradation of this relationship as I like to call it.

So one day, while at work, I told her on my break that I needed to talk to her. I explained to her that I needed a little more support, because the schedule I work is straining. Everyday, for 7 days, I was up at 3:50am and with the exception of the weekend, I wouldn’t get home until 8. The weekends she was off and everyday she got home before me, why would she want to watch me come home and do anything? She would always talk to me about some people and what they do in relationships, but there is no way that someone comes home and waits for the other person to come home so they can do house stuff and prepare the evening and the person’s physical work day is longer. She worked a 9-5, 5 days a week. I worked 5am-7:30pm, Mon-Fri and the weekends I worked 5:30a-2p. It was at this moment, I’m about 4 months into the 2nd job, she tells me she needs romance. I should have seen what I was dealing with then!

Eff that B: The Negativity is Packing

My most recent Facebook post reads: Things for me are about to get a whole lot better! I am removing the negativity that’s been making me sick for the past 4-5 months. The negativity is packing as I post.

Thirty-two minutes ago, I verbalized the change that is about to take place. Is this easy? No! Will the next couple of weeks feel foreign? Most definitely. Does the unfamiliar feeling of being alone promise to take its toll on me? Without a doubt! But, what gives a move power is the amount of effort that has to be or is put into making it powerful; hence the term, power move.

This morning, at the diner, over breakfast my head pulled me into itself, while sitting across from her. Despite how beautiful she is, the sight of her and our closeness in proximity made my skin crawl with resentment, disappointment, and downright disgust. I found myself wondering why she hasn’t spoken to this mysterious friend that she speaks to every single weekend for hours at a time and little by little, my stomach found its way into the game. Finally, I have a weekend off and they have yet to speak. She doesn’t and hasn’t for the entire time they’ve been friends spoken to her when I am home. When I am at work, the only place I go, they can’t seem to get enough of one another. This has been going on for at least 4 months.

“You know, if there are things that you can’t do while I am around, then what is the point?” As usual, she has no idea what I am talking about. “You know, your friend. Y’all haven’t spoken yet, today. I mean every single weekend, you guys are on the phone for hours. What is she busy today?” She stopped looking at me and this was her response, “I guess so,” with a half mumble half whisper.

I beckoned the server for the check, I paid and tipped her nicely because I’d been short and brisk with her the whole time there. I grabbed my iPad and my headphones and as briskly as I’d treated the server, I briskly walked out of the establishment leaving a delicious and full plate of breakfast on the table. I had no appetite. She continued, nonchalantly, with the careful arrangement of her doggie bag.

When I got home, I kindly separated our laundry. When she got in, she quietly followed suit, separating our belongings in the bedroom. She lost that special feeling for me a long time ago, but, because I am strong and have respect, because I understand, my special feeling remained in tack, along with my help and attributes and capacity to love deeply. My special feeling has been chipped at over the past year and even though, I’ve been working diligently and over-time to keep those precious feelings that I develop for the women I make love to and have a relationship with, today that feeling is gone.

Our home made a powerful transition. Everything is physically divided with the same measure of division that I’ve been feeling for close to half a year. Now the division is in our face. All she needs is a truck and our home will be my home and my life with her will be done. What a transition to bear for the lover, Me! But, aside from feeling sick to my stomach, I get to walk away blameless, doing bad for my own self as the saying goes. I know, for me, things will get better. I am fine with knowing that they may, more than likely they will get worse before that. I know distraction is the key to a relationship, so I’m making plans for this evening. I want to go to the next level on my gauges and then I want to drink and party. Do you have any advice? For 3 years I’ve been securing her and haven’t built so much as a friend here in this city … My post, The Motions may give you an understanding of how I am feeling ….

Two Screwdrivers

I’m not sure how long I was napping, but when I woke up, it was a little after 10pm. My girlfriend, she was showered, a blunt was rolled and she was quiet. Me? I was disoriented and still in my uniform. My eyes burned as I peeled off my uniform and got in bed, but her quietness made me uneasy, so my brain began to come to life.

We smoked and watched the news. Despite the tension, I still wanted to reach out and touch her, but each time I did, she didn’t respond. I might as well had a mannequin in bed with me. Eventually, I turned around, my back towards her for easy access to the ashtray and my Arizona Sweet Iced Tea. She kept her space, didn’t touch me or offer a kiss goodnight, and went to sleep.

In the middle of the week, I told her how miserable my position in this relationship was becoming.

Not so much as a soft look or a touch in bed was a reminder of how far we’ve come from the days we were both insatiable and couldn’t get enough of each other. After a while, she was probably in her 3rd dream, I turned back around facing her and I noticed something lit on her side of the bed. When I looked she was charging the Ledo and her phone was out and exposed right next to it. I knew she must be tired because I haven’t seen her and her phone that vulnerable in close to a year.

As much as I thought about going through her phone, I decided to grab the Ledo. I quietly rubbed one out and got up. I got dressed and went to the neighborhood bar.

I had 2 Screwdrivers with my vodka of choice, Kettle One. The usual bartender was there, but I was served by a guy I’d never seen before. I was happy the usual bartender was there, for she could vouch I was in there alone, minding my business watching the flat screen tvs.

When I got back, despite all of the noise I’d made leaving and all of the noise I made coming in, she slept on. I got undressed, I rolled another blunt, and I got in bed. I smoked and thought, my 2 favorite pastimes. I decided that I am getting out from now on whenever I have an opportunity. This “girlfriend” makes me sick and disappointed and I’m sure we are merely biding our time.

It’s Getting Old!

There is no point in looking forward to seeing my girlfriend. I could have and should have learned this lesson about a year and a half ago, but I can’t get enough of giving people the benefit of the doubt no matter how many times my feelings have been hurt by them.

So for this reason, I am now sitting here stewing in my own stupidity for being surprised, once again, by her normal erratic behavior. Another day of anxiously awaiting her arrival, all for her to come in with a nasty-assed attitude for something completely beyond my control, that she actually didn’t even need my help with:

As usual, my phone was on silent. At 4:53pm I looked over and my phone was ringing. It was my friend Sam, so I answered. Sam and I stayed on the phone for close to an hour and when I hung up, I noticed that I had received some text messages. I checked my messages and all of them were from my girlfriend. It was after 5:30pm and I knew that she would be walking in the door soon. Being that I don’t get reception in my apartment, I had to go outside to call her. Before I called her, though, because of the time that it was, I decided to first make the bed.

The minute she answered the phone, I heard frustration in her voice. I figured she wasn’t able to cash the check that she got, which they gave her a day in advance. Before I could even get the question out about whether or not she was frustrated, she’s telling me that she is frustrated because she had been trying to call me. She needed me to tell her where the closest check cashing spot was.

I was so upset, right at that moment, because as usual she HAS to make something my fault. One of my hugest issues with her is the fact that she has yet to take any responsibility for the degradation of this relationship that was once so promising. I simply said, “Okay, I’m sorry to hear that and I’ll see you when you get home.” She didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt at all. If she did her first question would have been, “Babe? Did you see me calling you?” Or she could have made a statement, like, “I called you mad times!” First of all, we are going to act like I’ve never called her and got no answer and her response to me giving her the benefit of the doubt was, “The phone only rang once,” or “I don’t have any missed calls from you, Babe.” We are going to act like that never, ever happened before on her end. I should have gotten the benefit of the doubt automatically because if she knows nothing else, she knows that my phone stays on silent! So the attitude was XTRA like her nickname on Facebook. Me missing her calls isn’t brand new at all. The gap between the time she called and the time I called her back may have been a little longer, but with a little thinking – what I’ve asked her to do more of on more than one occasion – she would have realized that if she was going to be frustrated, the frustration would have been for the situation we are facing with her not being able to cash her check at which point we could be together in the frustration like a team, like how 2 people who are facing the same circumstances in the same situation are supposed to be. I’ve been talking to this girl about turning me into the enemy or someone who isn’t on her team as long as I’ve been talking to her about her attitude. I’ve been talking to her about being a team player, explaining to her that the same support she has for her FB Fam and her new “friend” that she has been talking to for the past few months excessively isn’t supposed to shine through more than the support she is giving at home.

Just today we were texting. She was saying that she wanted me to make love to her tonight and that she really wanted some last night. My response was that I really wanted some last night but dealing with how she perceives things and her mood swings is frustrating, tired, and tiring. She responded that is how she gets from lack of sex. I said call it what you want, but it’s getting old! First of all, the mood swings and how she perceives things is worst than immature, it’s primitive and barbaric. Her mood swings and how she uses perception to not take responsibility for her actions and ways is the one oldest and most immaturest games in the book. Her attitude disappointed me and was just another example of how she has yet to do anything that I have asked. The lack of respect comes from the fact that just today, I put into clear words that her mood swings and perceptions were completely out of wack and annoying, so for her to come in in the manner that she did was a total slap in the face.

By the 4th paragraph of this text, she looks up from FB and asks, “Can I talk to you?” My response was, “I don’t know, can you?” Seriously, I can’t even answer that question, without being an ass about it because the fact of the matter is NO YOU CAN’T because I am not your Facebook friend, I’m not this lady that you’ve taken to whom you find so interesting who compliments her, has a pet name for her yet has no idea who or how you really are, there is nothing virtual about me and last but not least, I am the same age as her. She gets along with any and everything virtual and the young 20s crowd and low-life aggressive women that have nice voices who have absolutely nothing to offer her so she could feel better about herself because they appreciate the fact that she will coddle and support them and is always available especially if I am not around and they grow to need her and meanwhile she is addicted to someone needing her so it works out perfectly for her in all of those relationships.

“I DON’T KNOW, CAN YOU? Can you talk to me like I am someone to respect?
*dropping the mike and walking into the crowd*.

The Motions

A tragedy: Loving someone with all of your heart and soul, unconditionally, and deeply, and then realizing you have no clue who this person is or what they stand for. Realizing that during the times they were telling you that they were unhappy they weren’t but instead were purposely manipulating your heart and essence. Realizing that they are the happiest when times are the hardest because they love to see you sweat and be unsure. The day you realize that you have nothing left to hold onto, yet, the anger inside from being duped keeps you complacent. Realizing the person you were building a future with is someone who isn’t there for support but only along for a/the ride and you know what’s worse, they insist on driving the most. How about the day you realize, in hindsight, that you have been carrying bags from that day to this with no real help from anyone except God who allowed you to do so gracefully!! How about stopping your life to make sure someone else feels secure only to find they were never insecure to begin with they just need a sick amount of attention and would stop at nothing to get it. How about pegging someone as genuine and honest, caring and sincere only to realize that it isn’t about you or anyone else for that matter, but for them and their own personal edifications. The day you realize the person you love makes you sick to your stomach. The day you realize the sight of them makes you weak with aggravation and disgust for the different things they have done and different ideas they have had and also for their ways. When you can smell the lack of respect. Realizing that they have done absolutely nothing and all of the something’s that they have done cost you your dignity, self confidence, and security. What about the day you know it isn’t going to work. What about the day you don’t want to be any more for this person and are angry that you’ve already been more than enough for someone who couldn’t care less if they tried.

An epiphany: The day you realize that you love someone, but remember that you love yourself too no matter how much you’ve dealt with. Realizing that you are only as stupid as you want to be. Understanding that you have done more than enough and deserve better treatment. Remembering God and his only begotten Son, that they have yet to let you down and you have always been taken care of. Recognizing unhappiness setting in and then realizing that it’s because of the person you’ve been loving dearly. Realizing that you will be happy again once you remove the negativity and confusion out of your heart. Understanding that you may be sad for a little while, but things will get better and in your experience, they always get better. Looking back in hindsight and knowing going forward that you will be vindicated. When you realize the person you’ve been loving has a secret agenda that has nothing to do with you.

Going through the motions is for the most part relative to each individual. If you want to share what it is like for you when you are about to quit a relationship, you have my undivided attention and full appreciation!